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Entry tags:
[timestamp] Enough, CWrps, Jared/Jensen
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wendy: Enough-verse, about six weeks after the disaster of the morning-after (which without_me wrote in Strangers, about halfway down the page)
Warnings (for the whole 'verse): D/s, mentions of past borderline abusive relationship
Jensen excuses himself from his mom's dinner table to take the call, and isn't terribly surprised when she doesn't fuss. He's not kidding himself that he's fooling her about how stressed he is. If he's lucky, she thinks it's because they've been waiting around for renewal news, so he puts on his best face when he goes back inside to tell everyone that they want him in New York for the CW upfronts and she lets him slide.
He can't let himself ease off though--it's been almost six weeks, and he can't convince himself that it's been a good cooling-off period. Maybe not forcing things with Jared was the right thing to do, but there's just as much of a chance that it's set things in stone and a persistent voice in the back of his head is reminding him that the easiest thing to do is seldom the right one. He thinks about it almost constantly in the last few days before he leaves--what to say, how to say it, what he wants--how he's going to deal if that doesn't fit with what Jared wants. That's the most important part, Jensen reminds himself--figuring out how to get past everything no matter what they're working toward, even if that's only two guys who show up in a studio together.
The hotel in Manhattan is total chaos, every one of the network's PR teams going at top speed and things being rescheduled so often that the timetable a harried PA shoves at him is wrong before he even manages to get from the lobby to his room. He tosses his carry-on and laptop onto the bed and takes out his cell. He hasn't even tried to call Jared, not since that morning. Jared hasn't tried either, so starting off with a phone call may not be the best idea. Then again, face-to-face was pretty much a disaster the last time. The only thing he does know is that just showing up for the press conference without even trying to get in contact with Jared is definitely a one-way ticket on the stupid train. He thinks about flipping a coin, but then imagines telling Chris that and finally gets a grip. He'll go find somebody with a schedule and a list of contacts and find out Jared's room number and get them started dealing with each other.
It's a plan and, good idea or not, just doing something energizes Jensen, enough that he's moving fast as he opens the door and then slams on the brakes when he finds Jared in the hall, his hand raised to knock. Jensen manages to stop before he actually crashes into Jared, and he didn't really have anything much planned out to say but even that's gone so he's left staring like an idiot. Jared stares back at him.
He looks tired, Jensen thinks, irrelevantly, as the silence stretches out.
"Can I--" Jared takes a deep breath. "I thought we should talk."
"Yeah," Jensen says, stepping back and motioning Jared in. It's quiet again after the door snicks shut, but Jared's looking at him, and Jensen doesn't think he's imagining the things he's seeing in Jared's eyes, or that the anger and fear and shame he remembers from that morning aren't there now. It's a little bit dizzying how much that matters to him; after all the thinking he's done since then, it's maybe just as simple as that. "I was just coming to see if I could find you," Jensen says. Jared's shoulders relax some, and the next bit of silence is a tiny bit less strained.
"I said some really stupid shit," Jared says, quiet and low.
"Me too," Jensen says. "Jay, look, it's o--"
"No, it's not okay." Jared shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, like he's trying to hold himself together. "I just--I woke up that morning and... "
Jensen stays as still as he can, barely even breathes, makes himself not rush in and answer for Jared, but finally says, "And?"
"And I couldn't breathe." Jared looks up from where he's studying the pattern on the carpet, but only for a second. "I couldn't stop thinking about it, about everything I did..."
Jared voice trails off and he stands there, shoulders hunched and head down, doing his best to hide himself in plain sight, and seeing him like that reminds Jensen how much he wants to rip Chad's face off, except this isn't about Chad, this is about him, and he really, really needs to not fuck this up.
"We," Jensen says. "Everything we did, Jared."
After a second, Jared nods, a small, tentative movement, but he finally looks up and meets Jensen's eyes. "It was morning," he says. "And I didn't--I couldn't see how you could look at me the same, like you always did, and I couldn't just sit there and wait for it."
For all his good intentions about not fucking things up, Jensen's right back in the place where he wants to yell that he's not that guy, how can Jared possibly think that? He wants to grab Jared and shake him until he gets it, but then he really looks at Jared and he can see in Jared's eyes that Jared knows it already, even if he's too freaked to really believe it.
"Not gonna happen, Jay," Jensen says, surprised at how easy it is to keep his voice steady and sure and calm. "I'll tell you that as many times as you need me to, but, fuck--" The assurance he thought he had is gone now, but it's okay, he thinks, because he's lost the anger he's been wearing like armor and all that's left is a match for every freaked-out fear he sees in Jared. "Jay, you have to be there so I can say it."
"Okay," Jared answers, his voice just as hoarse as Jensen's, but he says it easily, with no hesitation, like there's nothing holding him back and that's even better than the words he's speaking. "I'll--If you want me to, I can do that."
Jared's phone starts ringing before he finishes; Jensen's joins in a second later. Jensen knows before he even glances at the caller ID that they're out of time. It doesn't really matter, though--Jensen's a thousand times more relaxed than when Jared walked into the room, and when he can't help touching Jared, nothing more than a hand low on his back, Jared breathes out a long, shaky sigh and leans into him.
wendy: Enough-verse, about six weeks after the disaster of the morning-after (which without_me wrote in Strangers, about halfway down the page)Warnings (for the whole 'verse): D/s, mentions of past borderline abusive relationship
Jensen excuses himself from his mom's dinner table to take the call, and isn't terribly surprised when she doesn't fuss. He's not kidding himself that he's fooling her about how stressed he is. If he's lucky, she thinks it's because they've been waiting around for renewal news, so he puts on his best face when he goes back inside to tell everyone that they want him in New York for the CW upfronts and she lets him slide.
He can't let himself ease off though--it's been almost six weeks, and he can't convince himself that it's been a good cooling-off period. Maybe not forcing things with Jared was the right thing to do, but there's just as much of a chance that it's set things in stone and a persistent voice in the back of his head is reminding him that the easiest thing to do is seldom the right one. He thinks about it almost constantly in the last few days before he leaves--what to say, how to say it, what he wants--how he's going to deal if that doesn't fit with what Jared wants. That's the most important part, Jensen reminds himself--figuring out how to get past everything no matter what they're working toward, even if that's only two guys who show up in a studio together.
The hotel in Manhattan is total chaos, every one of the network's PR teams going at top speed and things being rescheduled so often that the timetable a harried PA shoves at him is wrong before he even manages to get from the lobby to his room. He tosses his carry-on and laptop onto the bed and takes out his cell. He hasn't even tried to call Jared, not since that morning. Jared hasn't tried either, so starting off with a phone call may not be the best idea. Then again, face-to-face was pretty much a disaster the last time. The only thing he does know is that just showing up for the press conference without even trying to get in contact with Jared is definitely a one-way ticket on the stupid train. He thinks about flipping a coin, but then imagines telling Chris that and finally gets a grip. He'll go find somebody with a schedule and a list of contacts and find out Jared's room number and get them started dealing with each other.
It's a plan and, good idea or not, just doing something energizes Jensen, enough that he's moving fast as he opens the door and then slams on the brakes when he finds Jared in the hall, his hand raised to knock. Jensen manages to stop before he actually crashes into Jared, and he didn't really have anything much planned out to say but even that's gone so he's left staring like an idiot. Jared stares back at him.
He looks tired, Jensen thinks, irrelevantly, as the silence stretches out.
"Can I--" Jared takes a deep breath. "I thought we should talk."
"Yeah," Jensen says, stepping back and motioning Jared in. It's quiet again after the door snicks shut, but Jared's looking at him, and Jensen doesn't think he's imagining the things he's seeing in Jared's eyes, or that the anger and fear and shame he remembers from that morning aren't there now. It's a little bit dizzying how much that matters to him; after all the thinking he's done since then, it's maybe just as simple as that. "I was just coming to see if I could find you," Jensen says. Jared's shoulders relax some, and the next bit of silence is a tiny bit less strained.
"I said some really stupid shit," Jared says, quiet and low.
"Me too," Jensen says. "Jay, look, it's o--"
"No, it's not okay." Jared shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, like he's trying to hold himself together. "I just--I woke up that morning and... "
Jensen stays as still as he can, barely even breathes, makes himself not rush in and answer for Jared, but finally says, "And?"
"And I couldn't breathe." Jared looks up from where he's studying the pattern on the carpet, but only for a second. "I couldn't stop thinking about it, about everything I did..."
Jared voice trails off and he stands there, shoulders hunched and head down, doing his best to hide himself in plain sight, and seeing him like that reminds Jensen how much he wants to rip Chad's face off, except this isn't about Chad, this is about him, and he really, really needs to not fuck this up.
"We," Jensen says. "Everything we did, Jared."
After a second, Jared nods, a small, tentative movement, but he finally looks up and meets Jensen's eyes. "It was morning," he says. "And I didn't--I couldn't see how you could look at me the same, like you always did, and I couldn't just sit there and wait for it."
For all his good intentions about not fucking things up, Jensen's right back in the place where he wants to yell that he's not that guy, how can Jared possibly think that? He wants to grab Jared and shake him until he gets it, but then he really looks at Jared and he can see in Jared's eyes that Jared knows it already, even if he's too freaked to really believe it.
"Not gonna happen, Jay," Jensen says, surprised at how easy it is to keep his voice steady and sure and calm. "I'll tell you that as many times as you need me to, but, fuck--" The assurance he thought he had is gone now, but it's okay, he thinks, because he's lost the anger he's been wearing like armor and all that's left is a match for every freaked-out fear he sees in Jared. "Jay, you have to be there so I can say it."
"Okay," Jared answers, his voice just as hoarse as Jensen's, but he says it easily, with no hesitation, like there's nothing holding him back and that's even better than the words he's speaking. "I'll--If you want me to, I can do that."
Jared's phone starts ringing before he finishes; Jensen's joins in a second later. Jensen knows before he even glances at the caller ID that they're out of time. It doesn't really matter, though--Jensen's a thousand times more relaxed than when Jared walked into the room, and when he can't help touching Jared, nothing more than a hand low on his back, Jared breathes out a long, shaky sigh and leans into him.